Life really is unfair

It's a new month and I have been greeted with yet more devastating news that has told me that March, like February is going to be a month I am no longer looking forward to.

It was almost a month ago that I found out my cousin had passed away and today the phone call came to let me know that one of my work mates had passed away this morning. I was expecting the news but not as soon as this and I knew that I was not expecting it because when the words "passed away this morning'" were uttered to me, no words came out of my mouth. No matter how many words there are in the English language, at that moment in time, I couldn't find a single one.

My colleague was not only a colleague, he was a friend and a real character. He made working enjoyable, mainly because we used to spend most of our time not doing what we were supposed to be and chatting. He had some stories. Not sure if all of them were true but all just as fascinating as the last.

The one thing I admired about this person was the way he never took any rubbish from anyone and told it how it was. Maybe I wanted to be more like that. He used to have a smile on his face and his cheeky personality and sense of humour was just so infectious, nobody in the store had a bad word to say about him. They might have said bad words with him because he did let the occasional swear word slip out.

Since the phone call I have been thinking about all of the good times we had at work, talking out the back when we should have been working, him flirting with the customers, including my cousin, auntie and sister. He knew how to wind me up but that was what we all loved about him.

The news of his death has not sunk in yet. I am going home on Friday, a trip that was already planned that may have to be extended slightly. What the news has done is it has brought back all of the memories from a few weeks ago when my cousin passed away. I have been thinking about him a lot recently as well. All I am thinking now is I hope they both meet up in heaven because something tells me they would get on very well.

Living without a plan.

I have been looking for flats and jobs. I finish uni in about three months which is a really scary thought and one I keep putting to the back of my mind. However it keeps crawling forward and yesterday I found myself scouring through Right Move, Find A Property and the Job pages of The Guardian.

The really frustrating thing is that anybody that knows me, knows that I like to know what I am doing because I like planning things (call it the OCD side coming out). I need to give notice on my flat soon but at the moment I want to try and get a job in London so that would mean moving to a new place. Ideally in Central London but money is an issue.

I did find a really nice flat yesterday. It was a studio flat near Holland Park and the rent included council tax and water rates. The thing is I don't know if I am going to be in London working, as much as I want to be at the moment, that could all change.

As for the job hunt, it was not very successful. Maybe I am looking in the wrong places but also there is the issue that until I get my journalism degree, I can't really apply for anything. I could apply for an internship but it would have to be a paid position and because I cannot commit to full time at the moment, when I do graduate, I doubt I will be earning enough to be able to move into Central London. My student loan for my last semester will not last forever!

So I am a bit in limbo at the moment if I am honest and not having a plan is unsettling me a bit but I guess I am just going to have to wait and persevere.

But if anybody wants to offer me a job in journalism or knows of any, please let me know.

Roll on May

Today I have been productive and I can't quite believe it myself. I have been reading for what seems like hours for my dissertation and have been firing out emails like it is nobody's business.

I have come to the realisation that if I don't work on my dissertation every day for at least a month I am not going to get it done. The one thing that frustrates me is when people do not reply to emails. It puts you in limbo and you just don't know what to do. I have sent some follow up emails today to hopefully get the ball rolling because there are some things I need to do before I can start writing anything up.

I have no idea why I am panicking so much about the dreaded 12,000 word essay that is due in in just over two months.

It is just all of the research that is so time consuming. Once all of that is done I am thinking that writing it all up shouldn't take too long. I'm hoping it won't anyway.

To reward myself for having a productive day, I am cooking something nice. Chicken breast wrapped in bacon stuffed with cheese. It is an experiment that could go horribly wrong. As for tomorrow it's more reading and researching.

Today is just another day

So, today is Valentines Day but what does that exactly mean?

To most couples it is a special day where they go out and buy presents, cards and have a nice romantic meal to show how much they love eachother. For singletons it is one of the worst days of the year with many of them seeing it as just another day of them being single.

The fact that the shops now have special 'Valentines Sections' adds to the fact that February 14th is no longer a day to show how much you love someone but a day where the shops cash in on our soppy ways.

For me, it hasn't been anything other than "just another day" for quite a few years. I think about seven years in fact. This year I thought it was going to be different but fate had other ideas so it's a box of chocolates, a bottle of wine and a meal for one tonight for me while I sit in and watch a film. I'm thinking Saw.

Gone are the days when I used to write a card and put it in a girls draw at school or sneak it into their bags at breaktime in the cloakroom when they weren't looking.

I do have a Valentines card here but I am just about to put it in the bin. I don't even want to recycle it. I might just send it out to a random person because I am sure there are plenty like me that have not received a card today.

The one thing that I do not like about the whole Valentines Day idea is that it seems there has to be one day where a couple can show how much they love eachother. They say true love lasts a lifetime and if that is true then it should not just be February 14th when you cook for your other half or buy them flowers and presents. There is too much emphasis on the whole thing.

I might just be being really bitter about being single on Valentines Day but like I've said for the last seven years, maybe next year things will be different. Now then, where's that wine.

Things can only get better.

Just when I thought things could not get any worse, they did today. It seems that as soon as I have some good news, there is always some bad news just around the corner that comes and shits all over my day.

I had a real "off day" yesterday but decided that going out with friends last night would be a much better idea than staying in on my own. It was a decision that I am glad I made because it ended up being a good night and for the most part of it, I was sober.

So I woke up this morning, checked my emails and was so excited when I had an email in my inbox from the company in Australia where I had applied for my internship. They had offered me a job and although they had not provided many details I still saw this as a positive even if I was a little skeptical. There was no way I was signing any contracts until I found out more about what sounded like the opportunity of a lifetime.

With the good news came the bad news and after the week I have had it was all I needed. I'm going home tomorrow anyway, something that I really wish I did not have to do. I think this is the first time that I have not wanted to go home.

A work mate that I worked with for over two years had not been very well. Today I learned that things have got worse and there is nothing the doctors can do for him. I was told by another work colleague during a teary conversation on the phone. It's just so unbelievable, he was one of those guys that was always there to make you laugh when you needed it. He was never any different, he never changed, no matter when you saw him and now he is fighting for his life. It just shows how cruel life can be. I keep asking myself the same question, why does it always happen to the nice people?

So it hasn't been a very good week really but I need to keep myself busy. I am really hoping that this internship in Australia materializes, if not then I'm hoping for one in America. If there is one thing I have learnt over the last few days, it's to live life to the full because you just don't know what's around the corner.

Friendship

I have read this before but came across it again today and it made me smile, something I have needed today.

True Friendship "Aussie Style"
None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those piss weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cute little smiley faces on this card -- Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get pissed and plot revenge against the bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will take the piss out of you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.

5.... When you are worried -- I will tell you stories about how much worse it could be until you stop whining.

6... When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words.

7... When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will laugh at your clumsy backside, but I'll help you up.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;
Because you are my friend.

Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

I am lucky enough to have some of the best friends in the world, they all know who they are.

Drinking to remember

After the devastating news I had yesterday morning, going out in Camden for cocktails last night did not seem like such a good idea as I have already said in my last post.

However I decided that staying in on my own and moping would have been the last thing my cousin would have wanted, he liked a drink as much as me and I was going to make sure that I had a really good night for him.

The plan was to go for food and cheap drinks (or not so cheap as we discovered) in The Ice Wharf. Then we would make our way to Bar Fifty Five. Probably the best cocktail bar in London.

So, full of food and after a few pints it was cocktail time. I had decided that I would be sophisticated and have champagne cocktails. The one I chose had gin in it and I never drink gin. It was nice though and with it being happy hour and 2 for 1 all night I had two so if I didn't like it then it was tough.

They were going down well and I got another two. In the end I think I had eight. By this point I had already been sick twice and was not even capable of standing. In no uncertain terms, I was a mess! I don't remember the last time I was that drunk. Apparently in the kebab shop I was talking to myself in my own language!

I think it is safe to say that I will be laying off the champagne cocktails for a while because although I wanted to be sophisticated, I was far from it by the end of the night.