Life really is unfair

It's a new month and I have been greeted with yet more devastating news that has told me that March, like February is going to be a month I am no longer looking forward to.

It was almost a month ago that I found out my cousin had passed away and today the phone call came to let me know that one of my work mates had passed away this morning. I was expecting the news but not as soon as this and I knew that I was not expecting it because when the words "passed away this morning'" were uttered to me, no words came out of my mouth. No matter how many words there are in the English language, at that moment in time, I couldn't find a single one.

My colleague was not only a colleague, he was a friend and a real character. He made working enjoyable, mainly because we used to spend most of our time not doing what we were supposed to be and chatting. He had some stories. Not sure if all of them were true but all just as fascinating as the last.

The one thing I admired about this person was the way he never took any rubbish from anyone and told it how it was. Maybe I wanted to be more like that. He used to have a smile on his face and his cheeky personality and sense of humour was just so infectious, nobody in the store had a bad word to say about him. They might have said bad words with him because he did let the occasional swear word slip out.

Since the phone call I have been thinking about all of the good times we had at work, talking out the back when we should have been working, him flirting with the customers, including my cousin, auntie and sister. He knew how to wind me up but that was what we all loved about him.

The news of his death has not sunk in yet. I am going home on Friday, a trip that was already planned that may have to be extended slightly. What the news has done is it has brought back all of the memories from a few weeks ago when my cousin passed away. I have been thinking about him a lot recently as well. All I am thinking now is I hope they both meet up in heaven because something tells me they would get on very well.

Living without a plan.

I have been looking for flats and jobs. I finish uni in about three months which is a really scary thought and one I keep putting to the back of my mind. However it keeps crawling forward and yesterday I found myself scouring through Right Move, Find A Property and the Job pages of The Guardian.

The really frustrating thing is that anybody that knows me, knows that I like to know what I am doing because I like planning things (call it the OCD side coming out). I need to give notice on my flat soon but at the moment I want to try and get a job in London so that would mean moving to a new place. Ideally in Central London but money is an issue.

I did find a really nice flat yesterday. It was a studio flat near Holland Park and the rent included council tax and water rates. The thing is I don't know if I am going to be in London working, as much as I want to be at the moment, that could all change.

As for the job hunt, it was not very successful. Maybe I am looking in the wrong places but also there is the issue that until I get my journalism degree, I can't really apply for anything. I could apply for an internship but it would have to be a paid position and because I cannot commit to full time at the moment, when I do graduate, I doubt I will be earning enough to be able to move into Central London. My student loan for my last semester will not last forever!

So I am a bit in limbo at the moment if I am honest and not having a plan is unsettling me a bit but I guess I am just going to have to wait and persevere.

But if anybody wants to offer me a job in journalism or knows of any, please let me know.

Roll on May

Today I have been productive and I can't quite believe it myself. I have been reading for what seems like hours for my dissertation and have been firing out emails like it is nobody's business.

I have come to the realisation that if I don't work on my dissertation every day for at least a month I am not going to get it done. The one thing that frustrates me is when people do not reply to emails. It puts you in limbo and you just don't know what to do. I have sent some follow up emails today to hopefully get the ball rolling because there are some things I need to do before I can start writing anything up.

I have no idea why I am panicking so much about the dreaded 12,000 word essay that is due in in just over two months.

It is just all of the research that is so time consuming. Once all of that is done I am thinking that writing it all up shouldn't take too long. I'm hoping it won't anyway.

To reward myself for having a productive day, I am cooking something nice. Chicken breast wrapped in bacon stuffed with cheese. It is an experiment that could go horribly wrong. As for tomorrow it's more reading and researching.

Today is just another day

So, today is Valentines Day but what does that exactly mean?

To most couples it is a special day where they go out and buy presents, cards and have a nice romantic meal to show how much they love eachother. For singletons it is one of the worst days of the year with many of them seeing it as just another day of them being single.

The fact that the shops now have special 'Valentines Sections' adds to the fact that February 14th is no longer a day to show how much you love someone but a day where the shops cash in on our soppy ways.

For me, it hasn't been anything other than "just another day" for quite a few years. I think about seven years in fact. This year I thought it was going to be different but fate had other ideas so it's a box of chocolates, a bottle of wine and a meal for one tonight for me while I sit in and watch a film. I'm thinking Saw.

Gone are the days when I used to write a card and put it in a girls draw at school or sneak it into their bags at breaktime in the cloakroom when they weren't looking.

I do have a Valentines card here but I am just about to put it in the bin. I don't even want to recycle it. I might just send it out to a random person because I am sure there are plenty like me that have not received a card today.

The one thing that I do not like about the whole Valentines Day idea is that it seems there has to be one day where a couple can show how much they love eachother. They say true love lasts a lifetime and if that is true then it should not just be February 14th when you cook for your other half or buy them flowers and presents. There is too much emphasis on the whole thing.

I might just be being really bitter about being single on Valentines Day but like I've said for the last seven years, maybe next year things will be different. Now then, where's that wine.

Things can only get better.

Just when I thought things could not get any worse, they did today. It seems that as soon as I have some good news, there is always some bad news just around the corner that comes and shits all over my day.

I had a real "off day" yesterday but decided that going out with friends last night would be a much better idea than staying in on my own. It was a decision that I am glad I made because it ended up being a good night and for the most part of it, I was sober.

So I woke up this morning, checked my emails and was so excited when I had an email in my inbox from the company in Australia where I had applied for my internship. They had offered me a job and although they had not provided many details I still saw this as a positive even if I was a little skeptical. There was no way I was signing any contracts until I found out more about what sounded like the opportunity of a lifetime.

With the good news came the bad news and after the week I have had it was all I needed. I'm going home tomorrow anyway, something that I really wish I did not have to do. I think this is the first time that I have not wanted to go home.

A work mate that I worked with for over two years had not been very well. Today I learned that things have got worse and there is nothing the doctors can do for him. I was told by another work colleague during a teary conversation on the phone. It's just so unbelievable, he was one of those guys that was always there to make you laugh when you needed it. He was never any different, he never changed, no matter when you saw him and now he is fighting for his life. It just shows how cruel life can be. I keep asking myself the same question, why does it always happen to the nice people?

So it hasn't been a very good week really but I need to keep myself busy. I am really hoping that this internship in Australia materializes, if not then I'm hoping for one in America. If there is one thing I have learnt over the last few days, it's to live life to the full because you just don't know what's around the corner.

Friendship

I have read this before but came across it again today and it made me smile, something I have needed today.

True Friendship "Aussie Style"
None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those piss weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cute little smiley faces on this card -- Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get pissed and plot revenge against the bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will take the piss out of you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.

5.... When you are worried -- I will tell you stories about how much worse it could be until you stop whining.

6... When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words.

7... When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will laugh at your clumsy backside, but I'll help you up.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;
Because you are my friend.

Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

I am lucky enough to have some of the best friends in the world, they all know who they are.

Drinking to remember

After the devastating news I had yesterday morning, going out in Camden for cocktails last night did not seem like such a good idea as I have already said in my last post.

However I decided that staying in on my own and moping would have been the last thing my cousin would have wanted, he liked a drink as much as me and I was going to make sure that I had a really good night for him.

The plan was to go for food and cheap drinks (or not so cheap as we discovered) in The Ice Wharf. Then we would make our way to Bar Fifty Five. Probably the best cocktail bar in London.

So, full of food and after a few pints it was cocktail time. I had decided that I would be sophisticated and have champagne cocktails. The one I chose had gin in it and I never drink gin. It was nice though and with it being happy hour and 2 for 1 all night I had two so if I didn't like it then it was tough.

They were going down well and I got another two. In the end I think I had eight. By this point I had already been sick twice and was not even capable of standing. In no uncertain terms, I was a mess! I don't remember the last time I was that drunk. Apparently in the kebab shop I was talking to myself in my own language!

I think it is safe to say that I will be laying off the champagne cocktails for a while because although I wanted to be sophisticated, I was far from it by the end of the night.

"Life's so unfair..."

Waking up and finding out that you have lost a relative just doesn't bear thinking about. It has happened to me before but when that relative is so young it really does make you think about your priorities and the things in life that you take for granted. Being 300 miles away from the rest of your family also adds to the helplessness you feel even if there is nothing you can do.

My cousin was 33 years old and passed away this morning. Although I haven't seen him for about 12 months, this news which made me feel numb has now hit me harder than a ton of bricks.

Not only has it upset me, it has made me realise how pathetic we can all be sometimes. The things we complain about, have a moan about or bitch about. In comparison to some things, these are tiny problems that don't even matter when you think about them.

A prime example of this is me getting annoyed because a night out had to be cancelled last week. I was so annoyed, I was swearing, shouting and just generally so angry that I couldn't go out. Looking back now I almost feel ashamed that I got myself into that state. It was only a night out. There are so many times that I have had a moan or complained about something that today seems just completely ridiculous.

My sister hit the nail on the head with her Facebook status today that my cousin and I have since copied. It read:

Life's so unfair. The smallest, most pathetic problems seem so big at the time, but when there's someones life either at risk, or lost, you soon realise how stupid you can be. X

Never has a status been more true to life. The thing is, we all seem to get too wrapped up with one problem and blow it all out of proportion. If I have learnt one thing today or if something has been reaffirmed in my mind it is that life is too short.

I am going out tonight, something I wasn't going to do after the news I had but my cousin liked a drink and so tonight is dedicated to him. And if I don't go out, I'll end up in on my own. I'm just trying to do all the crying now but can't promise that there won't be any tears tonight.

So cous, the drinks are on you tonight. RIP x

Praise The Lord!

After what has been a waste of a day, I was pleased to hear that the BBC have commissioned a second series of the Matt Lucas and David Walliams mockumentary Come Fly With Me.

I must admit that when I first saw it advertised, I was not sure what it would be like, Little Britain was funny but after a while it kind of ran out of steam. I have to say that when series two of Miranda finished, this show was the perfect substitute.

Favourite character has to be Precious, the coffee stall owner. Looking forward to the second series and seeing what Lucas and Walliams pull out of the bag next time around.

Moving down under? If only....

I cannot apologise enough for the lack of blogging I have been doing since before Christmas. I am actually a little bit annoyed with myself for not keeping it up.

However I am back, albeit a little late. So what's happened since the last time I posted. Well lots in actual fact. Christmas has been and gone, New Year was also over before I knew it and I was on the train back to London.

The first week back was a little hectic with deadlines looming but it was all good. I got everything handed in on time and was pleased with the finished products. A commission piece of the experiences I faced when moving from Cornwall to London along with a piece about the Penlee Lifeboat Disaster (all set out on InDesign so it looked like a proper magazine feature) were my chosen pieces of work and handing them in was such a relief. Going to the SU after and having celebratory drinks was an even bigger highlight though.

Now it is time to focus on the big one, the dissertation. Everytime I see, read, hear or say the word I shudder a little bit inside but there is no time like the present to start my research and send out a billion emails to very busy people hoping they will find time in their packed schedule to speak to a poor student. I never know how to word emails, I normally end up sounding too polite as if they do not have to be interviewed or too desperate. I think I need to strike a balance.

Today I was meant to start doing some research but that has been put on hold as while I was procrastinating I came across a journalism internship in Australia that I have applied for. I have literally got everything crossed. Being able to move to Oz, write about my experiences and get paid for doing it and living in a beautiful country that I have always wanted to visit could not be better could it?

I am also doing International Journalism this year and I originally chose to focus on Morocco as my chosen country but I can now see this changing to Australia. I do not want to jinx anything but if I get this opportunity it really could set me up for life.

Right I've rambled enough now so time to get on with some of that "d" research.

Carnage on the Corrie cobbles

The week is nearly over and Corrie has almost come to the end of its 50th Anniversary celebrations.

The hour long live episode has just finished and one more death has been confirmed. Joining Ashley in the Weatherfield of the sky is Molly Dobbs. Peter Barlow meanwhile is in cardiac arrest and trying to be resuscitated.

Peter married Leanne from his hospital bed and just as he said "I do" his life support machine started beeping. Molly on the other hand died just after telling Sally about her affair with Kevin and the minor detail that he was the father of Jack, her baby.

The episode went pretty well with only a few minor glitches with camerawork. The main mistake was when Sally entered the crumbling wreckage of The Corner Shop without a hard hat. Health and safety are going to have a field day with that.

The ending for me was a bit flat. The penultimate scene was Peter going into cardiac arrest and the end scene, the money shot was of Sally walking up the street into Tyrone's arms and crying, signalling that Molly had died. For me it would have had more impact for the final scene to have been Peter's slip in condition, just for dramatic effect. Then again this isn't EastEnders, something else that annoys me.

Twitter has been driving me mad and so have the forums comparing the two live episodes. How can they even be compared? For a start they were two completely different types of episode with very different storylines. There is just no reason to compare them.

The one thing I am most worried about is the fact that nobody has found Rita in The Kabin yet. If she is the final death and Charlotte (who was battered with a hammer) survives it will be a disastrous end to what has been one of the most memorable weeks on Coronation Street.

Is Baggs the Brand the new Wagner?

As I sit and write this blog post I am in mourning. I am thinking of never watching The Apprentice again. Lord Sugar's decision tonight was just ridiculous.

Liz Locke has been consistent, probably one of the strongest candidates and one of the nicest that The Apprentice has seen this year. Although she has been on the losing team for the past few weeks both her and Stella (that found themselves on the losing team) have been much more consistent than their project manager, Stuart Baggs. He calls himself Stuart Baggs 'The Brand'. On first impressions that tells you what he is like.

In past weeks he has been seen as aggressive, cocky, arrogant. You name it, Stuart has come across as it. When he won the last time he project managed, his face was punchable to say the least. It had 'smug' written all over it.

Tonight when his team lost even he thought he was going to be out. It was his last chance and he had screwed it up. However it was not Baggs that went, Locke was the candidate the Lord Suger uttered 'You're Fired' to. Much to the anger and surprise of many including her fellow candidates. This was the shock firing of the series and I think in Apprentice history. I would not be surprised if Lord Sugar loses a few followers on Twitter, Locke was one of the favourites to win.

What it does suggest is that reality TV is becoming more hypocritical each day. The Apprentice has always been one of the reality shows that has been seen as more respectable, there are no audience votes and although carefully edited, everything you see on screen is real. It is a sob-story free zone because you do not have the candidates personal lives shoved down your throat, they are business people with one aim, to be the next apprentice.

So, could Baggs win it now? I hope not. If he does I will not be watching The Apprentice next year. Baggs winning would just confirm my hunches after tonights firing that the show is becoming farcical.

A dissertation on drugs

I have three days to write my dissertation proposal. This may not seem like a long time but something inside me thought it was due in tomorrow so I am relieved.

It's only 1600 words as well and doesn't get marked so I am not panicking too much. I have just changed my topic as well at the very last minute.

I had started writing and researching for my proposal before I decided to change my mind. I can be so indecisive sometimes.

I was going to write about how EastEnders tackles domestic violence, paedophilia and bi-polar disorder but have decided to do something more current. Drugs.

Both EastEnders and Emmerdale have tackled drug addiciton this year and Emmerdale are still playing it out on-screen. Both storylines have been tackled very differently with very different characters in very different situations.

What I want to do is try and find out which soap has told the story most realistically. I have a good idea of which one I think has but want to speak to some people to try and answer my question. If anybody has any views on either storyline please let me know. Every opinion will be valid and used in my research.

Now it's back to the proposal

Have I been slacking or busy?

I have not posted on here for over a week. Do not get me wrong, I have been meaning to since Monday but just have not had the time or I have forgotten.

The weekend was really good, probably the best weekend I have had in a very long time. I had some friends up from the place I work in Cornwall and we did not stop laughing from the moment they arrived to the moment they left.

When they arrived on Friday I met them at Paddington Station. The evening was already planned, we were going to see Les Miserables. I was a little wary at first because I did not think it would be the sort of thing I would enjoy. I was right. I did not enjoy it at all and if anything I could not wait for it to finish. The constant singing and lack of speech drove me insane.

Saturday was spent at Camden Lock Market where I bought a 'Matt Cardle hat'. Then a trip down the canal to Little Venice was followed by a trip to Selfridges. I didn't buy anything. The day was rounded off with a meal in an Italian restaurant in Old Compton Street. Most of the laughing took place in here, the atmosphere was enough to make you smile as soon as you walked through the door. The journey home in a rickshaw was just as memorable.

Waking up surprisingly not as hungover as expected on Su

nday and we were all off to the London Dungeons. It was ok but I wouldn't go back in a hurry (and no I wasn't scared!). Next it was onto Winter Wonderland and ice skating. I had so much fun, an hour on the ice was not enough for me and I am itching to get back there, even if I did fall over twice, both in spectacular style (at least I made everyone laugh).

After doing a Torvill and Dean it was off to Hard Rock Cafe for a meal and far too many mojitos. I lost count in the end...the meal was fantastic though, I think!

Monday came far too quickly and we spent the day in Oxford Street, mainly in Primark and Selfridges (you can't get much different than that). A small pub around the corner was also our home for a few hours before it was time to say goodbye. I couldn't believe how fast the long weekend had gone and before I knew it I was back in my cold empty flat in Harrow staring reality in the face. I was doing uni work.

Please get your violins out now.

A busy weekend beckons...

This weekend is going to be mad to say the least. I have got some work colleagues coming up. Friday we are off to see Les Mis in the theatre, something I am skeptical about because it is not the sort of show I would normally choose.

Other plans on the agenda are to go to Camden, Winter Wonderland and maybe the London Dungeons. Therefore I will be posing as a tourist for the next few days.

Nevertheless I am really looking forward to it.

I won't be posting until Monday at the earliest and I will fill you all in on what happened, how much wine was drunk and what I thought of Les Mis.

Today I am...

Keep calm and carry on

"Keep calm and carry on". A term I have been putting into practise, that was until today and I have no idea why it all changed.

I was in my flat, I had written a story for the HA1, rewritten my commission and my pitch and was in quite a good position in terms of work. However I could not get the layout for my HA1 story right. The pictures were affecting the text and it was not going the way I planned.

This was the catalyst and I started thinking about other things and flipped out. Normally I like to think I have a very high tolerance rate but today I was proven wrong.

Another problem was the fact that I was signed into Twitter and sent a tweet that I wish I hadn't now but seemed so apt at the time. It read: "I'm ready to go home now. Uni can take a run and jump off the nearest cliff as far as I am concerned." This prompted a text from a friend who reassured me that I was panicking over nothing and I had infact done quite a bit of work.

So today I went through these three stages...

...tea solves everything and it's even better with some cake thrown in. Now it is time for some wine, I think I've earned it.

Remembrance. But some people don't remember

Today is Remembrance Sunday and I am sat writing this blog post watching the service from the Cenotaph. I went to the Cenotaph last year for the service and it was truly memorable. I always feel extremely proud to be British when I see the service but actually being there last year made me feel a deep pride that I have never felt before.

I buy a poppy every year and have done all of my life. I can remember being in primary school and sticking it onto my jumper with sellotape because I always seemed to lose it if I used the pin that came with it. Nowadays I use a safety pin if I have one. If not I go through about three or four poppies but I do not mind buying more as the money is going to a great cause and it is a cause I will always support.

I just wish that there were more people like me that understood the significance and importance of wearing a poppy. I am by no means saying that there is only a small number of people that wear a poppy. I was however shocked this year by the amount of people that I saw that were not wearing one. Even if it was just walking down the street or through uni, the number of people wearing poppies was much less than those that were not.

I have always been of the opinion that there is absolutely no excuse to not wear a poppy and to wear it with pride.

Another thing that baffles me and annoys me is the disrespect of some people during the two minute silence on Armistice Day. I was at home for the silence this year because the uni did not hold a silence. One thing that angers me but I won't start ranting about that now. Aside from uni, I was told that many people were not taking any notice of the silence in shops.

I have seen it first hand when I worked for Tesco. I worked on Remembrance Sunday and we stopped for a two minute silence at 11. As soon as the clock struck, the tills stopped, I stopped serving and like I do every year took two minutes to remember those fighting and those that have fought for their country. This, for some people had no importance and while the majority of shoppers stopped, there were a minority that decided their weekly food shop was much more important. It just find it extremely ignorant and unnecessary.

Watching the Remembrance Service really puts things into perspective and makes you realise just how important putting your money in the pot and wearing a poppy is.

I'll second that emotion.

Tonight I have been what can only be described as an emotional mess.

I came home from uni feeling positive about getting my work done and then I watched Hollyoaks. Hands down, the episode I watched tonight was the best episode of the Channel 4 soap in years. A fire ripped through Hollyoaks

village and one of the characters, Steph who was dying of terminal cancer perished in the blaze.

Perhaps the thing that made me shed a little tear was the fact that Steph chose to die. She had admitted that she was scared of dying and when she uttered the words "I'm ready to go now" to her husband who was trying to save her, the emotion just hit me (and I am sure many others). It does not take much to make me cry and tonight was no exception but I still had that little voice in my mind whispering, "it's only a programme."

Another programme that

made me cry was The Pride of Britain Awards. I have just finished watching it and feel very humbled by all of the people that collected the awards. By the second award I was balling my eyes out and now, two hours later I think my tear ducts are completely dry.

The winners were just outstanding. Their bravery cannot be put into words and I have no words to describe my annoyance at the way some people behave, comment and act when there are real heroes out there putting their lives on the line for others. Some of the problems that seem so big for many people are put into perspective and seem even more pathetic.

Some of the reconstructions during the awards were just remarkable. Parts of it left me speechless at the selflessness of some people. These people are the heroes, they are the pride of Britain.

After blubbering like an idiot, I'm having some light relief in the way of The Apprentice: You're Fired.

While I am on the Corrie theme...

Last night over 11 million of us tuned in to say goodbye to a Street stalwart. Jack Duckworth passed away last night in his chair. After one last dance with his deceased wife Vera (played by Liz Dawn who made a guest appearance), Jack slipped away after returning home from a surprise birthday party organised for him in The Rovers.

It is the end of an area for Coronation Street and was a fitting end for such a memorable character. Critics and fans highly praised last nights installment of the soap after its transmission.

R.I.P Jack.